I feel annoyed when she says, You’re the man, make the decision. Because it feels convenient. She only says it when it benefits her. The rest of the time, Patty’s running the show dominating, controlling.”
That was David, sitting across from me, jaw tight and eyes burning. What came out wasn’t just irritation. It was years of resentment, the quiet ache of a man who had lost his place in his own home.
From the outside, David and Patty looked like they had it all. Retired, second marriage, children grown, a beautiful home, constant travel, dinners with friends. Busy, active, thriving.
But underneath, it wasn’t intimacy that held them together it was busyness. They had become co-managers of a household and social calendar, not lovers. When I asked them to stop socializing for 30 to 60 days and just spend time alone together, they looked at me like I had three heads. Without busyness to distract them, the emptiness of their private connection was too exposed.
This is what I call proximal separation: physically close, emotionally distant.
Polarity Matters
David swore he and Patty had a “collaborative leadership” style. But here’s the truth: collaborative leadership doesn’t work in marriage. In every intimate relationship, polarity matters. There has to be a leader and that role belongs to the masculine partner.
Now let me be clear: leadership isn’t about control or dominance. True masculine leadership is compassion, steadiness, direction, and presence. It’s protecting with strength and vulnerability. Providing with kindness and empathy.
When a man refuses to lead, his partner is forced to step into that role. She can do it, but over time she resents it because it’s exhausting. That’s Patty. And now David resents her for being dominating and controlling.
Balanced Androgyny
Healthy polarity requires balance. A man is naturally 60–80% masculine action-oriented, driven, focused on doing. But he also needs 20–40% feminine traits affection, creativity, emotional connection to make his leadership magnetic.
A woman is naturally 60–80% feminine nurturing, being-oriented, emotionally present with 20–40% masculine traits like decisiveness and direction to keep her love sustainable.
In intimacy, this balance creates flow: 60–80% of the time, a woman leans into her man like a daughter looks to a father for guidance, steadiness, and safety. And 20–40% of the time, she becomes the mother to his son offering care, softness, and comfort.
But in David and Patty’s marriage, polarity had flipped. Patty was carrying the masculine role, while David avoided it. Their intimacy turned into projects, chores, and trips. And while they admitted that when intimacy happened it was “magical,” it was rare because polarity was collapsed.
David’s Blind Spot
Here’s the irony. Every time Patty says, “You’re the man, make the decision,” David feels annoyed. He insists it’s convenient she only says it when it benefits her.
But his blind spot is this: no one can “let” you lead. Leadership isn’t handed over. It’s claimed.
David chose the “collaborative” script because of his own fear of stepping into masculine leadership. Until he owns that, nothing will change.
The Takeaway
If this feels familiar, here’s what you need to know: masculine leadership is not tyranny. It’s clarity, compassion, and presence. It’s standing firm in your values, setting boundaries, asking directly instead of sulking.
When you reclaim that leadership in yourself, your partner can relax back into her femininity. The busyness can give way to intimacy. And you stop being co-managers of a household and start being lovers again.
💡 If you’re a man who feels like no matter how much you give, it’s never enough at home you’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’ve just been living by a script that leaves no room for your emotional presence. And it’s time to rewrite it.
👉 Want to go deeper? You can book a session at theshapeofcounseling.com or text me at (281) 803-9326 or (832) 302-4072. My practice manager, Vivian, will help you get set up.
You don’t have to carry this alone. Real change often begins with one conversation.
